Chapter 20

Brad’s funeral was the first funeral I remember ever attending.  The funeral home was dark and smelled funny.  Brad wore a dark blue sweater with a white polo underneath.  He looked weird, to use my 7^th grade vernacular.  I could see the thread that held his eyes closed and it looked like he had makeup on.  I kept touching his hand because I couldn’t believe how hard it felt.  He was so still.  The exact opposite of what was going on in the room.  There were so many people.  Sandy and Larry could barely stand.  Sandy’s mother was there.  She didn’t like that I lived with them, she thought it was odd that they would have a stranger in their home.  She didn’t treat me well when we were together.  In fact, she didn’t treat me at all; she barely would acknowledge my existence.  But Karen was the light of her life.  She was there to console her and Trisha and everyone else.  Well, everyone but me.  I spent most of my time next to Brad, walking back and forth from his casket to the drinking fountain or the bathroom.  I remember trying to look busy but I’m not sure why.  I had loved Brad and the whole family.  I was desperate for their love in return.  But today they had more to think about than me and that was okay.   I would be strong for them.  I was strong on my birthday when Brad died.  Obviously I never made it school that day.  We were all huddled in the upstairs living room while the police and medical person was in Brad’s room taking care of his body.  Everyone was crying and not really sure what to do or say to each other.  I kept as quite as I could and just absorbed what was happening.  We were all silent as they carried Brad out in a shiny, black bag.  Everything felt black that day.  And every day after.  Particularly two days later when we were going to have a birthday breakfast for Brad on what would have been his 16^th birthday.  Instead we were planning a very different day for Brad.